Last month, Luis Suárez was busy explaining that he needed to leave Liverpool because he couldn't take any more of the Football Association, the English media or any more asinine coverage of the royal baby. Luckily, however, Suárez has discovered that none of those things exist in London and so he's decided that he wants to go to fellow wind-up merchants, Arsenal, even though Brendan Rodgers has been busy telling the Uruguayan that the good people of Liverpool have treated himself like a son of themselves, standing by him like irresponsible parents refusing to admonish their beloved offspring during his various scandals. Luis burnt down next door's shed? Well you'd have to ask what the shed was doing there in the first place and whether or not it insulted Luis first.
It seems that people have taken note of Arsenal's comedy antics the other day. Valencia have informed the world that Adil Rami is only available for £7.75m and not a penny less, which should ensure Arsenal don't come round with a goonish bid of £7.75m minus £1 for the defender, who's also a target for Manchester City. Rami could be joined at the Emirates, which is apparently starting to smell like an Amsterdam café, by Swansea's Ashley Williams while Arsenal are also closing in on tricking Roma into giving them £8.6m for Gervinho.
Manchester United want Cesc Fàbregas, Chelsea want Wayne Rooney, Real Madrid want Gareth Bale, a grandmother has been to visit her newly-born grandson.
David Moyes, who can't be far off signing Christian Poulsen and Paul Konchesky now, will continue to destroy Sir Alex Ferguson's Old Trafford legacy by allowing Bébé to go on loan to Pacos de Ferreira, while Valencia are thinking about a loan move for Javier Hernández if Roberto Soldado goes to Tottenham and Borussia Dortmund are thinking about tempting Shinji Kagawa back for what is bound to be an overwrought reunion with Jürgen Klopp.
West Brom are worried that Salomon Kalou's wages might be too expensive for them, so they've turned their attentions to finding out whether Scott Sinclair is real or merely a cautionary tale small clubs tell overly ambitious players about the perils of joining a big club. If Sinclair is real, and Steve Clarke will probably need to pinch him during contract negotiations in order to be sure, West Brom will make their move. Then they'll sell Graham Dorrans to Celtic.
Fulham lead the race for Roma's Pablo Osvaldo, Southampton and Norwich are literally prepared to lock swords over Udinese's Matej Vydra and Crystal Palace are baulking at the idea of paying Carlton Cole somewhere in the region of £40,000 a week. What a world.
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