Wayne Rooney, it says here, is "angry and confused". Now usually it would be advisable to ignore such news and treat in the same way as someone telling you that the sun is "hot and yellow", Piers Morgan is "smug and annoying", Katie Hopkins is "snobbish and supercilious" and the Mill is "tired and emotional" - it's just the way of life.
But this time it's different. This time, poor lil' Wayne is angry and confused with Manchester United, who he feels have been giving off the distinct impression that they don't much want him around any more, what with David Moyes swooning over Robin van Persie and everyone from the club forgetting to go to Rooney's house for his Game of Thrones party. Imagine!
You wouldn't catch anyone at Arsenal or Chelsea behaving like that, though some papers reckon they might have to pay £80m to prove it. United won't care about any of this if they manage to sign Cesc Fábregas from Barcelona, who need the cash, while Moyes is also lining up moves for Benfica's Ezequiel Garay and Roma's Marquinhos.
Not to fear, though, Roma fans - salvation may arrive in the form of Gervinho. Ah. They've offered £6.9m for the Arsenal ... What is he anyway? Winger? Forward? Competition winner?
Whatever he is, though, he might not be heading to Roma, because Lyon are prepared to offer Arsenal cash money plus Yoann Gourcuff, who was last relevant three years ago. Of course, Arsenal need more than Gourcuff. They've been told that £40m will land them Liverpool's Luis Suárez but they might want to think about pushing ahead with their move for Gonzalo Higuaín, seeing as signing him will allow Real Madrid to sign Gareth Bale. Everybody's a winner. Except Tottenham, that is.
Despite their mega-wealth, there has rarely been a sense that Manchester City are particularly evil. To rectify this troubling state of affairs and to stop the other big clubs poking fun at them, they're going to sign Pepe from Real Madrid, before beginning work on a giant laser. They're also close to wrapping up deals for Sevilla's Alvaro Negredo and Fiorentina's Stevan Jovetic and could battle Chelsea for the signing of PSG's Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who's in a sulk about the arrival of Edinson Cavani.
Newcastle are eyeing up moves for Aston Villa's Darren Bent, Olympiakos's Rafik Djebbour and QPR's Loïc Rémy, while Villa will replace Christian Benteke with Lyon's £7m striker, Bafetimbi Gomis, and Fulham have remembered how much Peter Odemwingie enjoys the scenery of west London and plan to nab the West Brom striker from underneath Crystal Palace's beak.
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