Once upon a time not long ago, when people wore pyjamas and lived life slow, laws were stern and justice stood and ballers behaved like they ought ta good. Back in those days, it was "yes manager", "no manager", "three bags full and I have just finished wiping down your Daf 66 with the wax you bought off that infomercial starring the man with the over-sized glasses manager".
But now ballers be racing up the block doing 83, toy-throwing out the pram for a move at a cut-price fee. Seems they keep forgetting about how but a summer ago they were over the moon, Mars and stars to be given a new five-year deal with all those shiny add-ons and new-fangled bonuses. Fans get angry with that but the Mill can't be no player-hater since without the capricious capers of these beloved ballers, it surely would be forced to trawl through trash for scraps of food rather than trawl through tittle-tattle for scraps of news. Speaking of which.
The last time Manchester United bought a central midfielder the population of the People's Republic of South Yemen old enough to stay up past 7pm were dancing in the street to Incense and Peppermints by Strawberry Alarm Clock as they celebrated their independence. It was around that time that nothing was the way it seemed and people threw ducks at balloons when they weren't tied down by their families. Since then the redder half of Cottonopolis have signed defenders in their droves and forwards by the lorry load but never, not once, a midfielder.
However, under-pressure-to-spend-to keep-the-fans-happy David Moyes, plans to change all that by putting the moves on Newcastle's Yohan Cabaye. Said moves will involve everything from wearing the right shade of lipstick to an intimate dinner for two at Sinclairs Oyster Bar followed by a drink in The Mitre Hotel, where Moyes will backtrack on those claims that Cesc Fábregas was his first choice and whisper sweet nothing about how he has only ever had eyes for the French type. Once Moyes settles the bill for around £20m and promises the sort of riches that the Newcastle boss Joe Kinnear can't, Cabaye will up sticks quicker than you can say "quicker than you can say".
Newcastle fans fear not. For Big Daddy Kinnear has something in the shape of Darren Bent in his pocket to make up for that loss. Where are those who scoffed at his appointment and thought he'd only bring ridicule on the club now, eh? Oh.
Speaking of midfielders linked to Manchester United, Gareth Bale will not be one of those players doing the banter with Cabaye come the joyous occasion of next season. In fact, Bale ain't even going to be in the same country, never mind the same division come the joyous occasion of next season. Three - yes three - carrot tops have this morning exclusively - yes exclusively - revealed - yes revealed - that the Tottenham terror is all set to spend next season tasting tapas, beating teams 46-3 and coming runners-up to Barcelona after Madrid "stepped up their hunt" for him.
Los Vikingos will down their spears and shields long enough to pick up their chequebooks and put in an offer that has more Oooooooooo's than your average bongo, bongo movie. Said chequebook will be kept out to show Bale just how much he will be earning which could be anything from £51 to £51m to £510 squillion depending on which exclusive is right. Of course, why Bale would want to leave a club that can't beat Arsenal to a Champions League spot and is currently failing to sign a forward from one of the most cash-strapped clubs in Spain for a team that is guaranteed Champions League football and has some of the best players in the world in its squad is a motive far, far, far beyond the Mill's miniscule mind. But, hey, them's the rumours
Last but not least, West Ham fans may still be getting over the double hammer blow of losing Carlton Cole and signing Andy Carroll but Big Sam has a big piece of news that will have their big colgates as effulgent as a freshly made Moloko plus. Not only are West Ham going to sign a real forward, they are going to sign a forward in the form of QPR's Loïc Rémy. Huzzah! Harry Redknapp had been hoping that the prospect of playing Doncaster Rovers and Yeovil Town would be enough to keep Rémy from popping off but the striker will raise the middle finger on his right hand before using it to press hard on the eject button of his pram to show Hazza exactly what he thinks of that idea. Ballers these days, eh? Where did it all go wrong?
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